I love looking beaten up.

I'm so tired and sick of working. I hope I get a lot of money from fafsa so I can spend the money I'm earning on dance classes and acting classes at DU. I've already done the two classes FCC has to offer in acting.

Everyone is deciding to start doing theater "on the side" lately. Maybe I'm just unrealistic, but I just want to act all of the time (and sing and dance). I'm good at other stuff, but other stuff just makes me feel bored. I wouldn't want to have some stupid job where I work for eight hours and then come home and go to a rehearsal or a show. I wouldn't hate it, but I don't want it to be that way.

But I feel like I'm never going to go anywhere. I feel like chances are passing me by (even though I'm only nineteen). I talk about going to school, transfering next year, but it seems to unrealistic. Me at a real college?

Plus I was driving the other day, and since all I do at work is go around putting books away lately, all I do is think and think and think. I thought the other day, what would I do if Steve came to see Cabaret? What would I do if out of the blue he called me. Then later on I was driving and I think it finally dawned on me that he hates me. There is no reconciliation in the future because he hates me. I know I've said this before, I might have even put it in these exact words, but it still stings to think about. Thinking about his tone of voice the last time I saw him, I had never heard him talk above a normal volume, but he yelled at me. AT me. I'm so obsessed with people liking me that it honestly shocks me when someone vehemently hates me.